The Myth of Fitting In

What assimilation takes from Indian families in Aotearoa

By Dr Harpreet Singh | drhsinghnz.substack.com | FB: @DrHSinghNZ | BSky: @DrHSinghNZ | IG: @DrHSinghNZ

Author’s Note: This article comes from the lived experiences of Indians in Aotearoa who are quietly asked to adjust, soften, or set aside parts of themselves in order to belong. For many families, assimilation is not a policy debate or an abstract idea. It is the ache of not passing on a mother tongue, the discomfort of hiding an accent or a surname, and the feeling of never being quite enough, either here or there. I wrote this piece because fitting in should not require disappearing. Indians have helped shape this country through work, care, culture, and community, not by erasing who they are, but by bringing their whole selves with them. When those identities are treated as something to outgrow, we all lose. Real inclusion begins when people are allowed to belong without conditions, and to be fully themselves while still being fully Kiwi.

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The process of assimilation, where a minority group is expected to give up its cultural identity in order to fit into the dominant society, creates real challenges for the Indian community in Aotearoa. Unlike integration, which allows people to take part in society while keeping their culture, assimilation pushes people to change who they are in order to belong. This can cause lasting social and emotional harm.

Loss of Cultural and Linguistic Heritage

One of the clearest effects of assimilation is the slow loss of culture, language, and tradition. For many Indian families in New Zealand, this means younger generations growing up unable to speak languages such as Hindi, Punjabi, Gujarati, or Tamil. As English becomes the only language used, communication with grandparents and elders becomes harder, and important cultural knowledge is lost.

Cultural and religious practices can also become weakened. Festivals and rituals are often simplified or reshaped to fit into a Western, secular setting. Over time, what were once meaningful community and spiritual practices can lose their depth and purpose, becoming more symbolic than lived.

Identity Pressures and Mental Well-being

Assimilation often leaves people feeling caught between two worlds. Many Indians in New Zealand feel they are not seen as fully Kiwi, yet are also told they are not Indian enough. This sense of never quite belonging can lead to loneliness, anxiety, and low self‑confidence.

The pressure to fit in can also cause people to feel ashamed of parts of their identity. Some may avoid traditional clothes, food, accents, or cultural markers because they fear judgment. Over time, this can damage self‑esteem and affect mental well-being.

Intergenerational Tension

Assimilation can deepen divides within families. Older generations may value collective decision-making, strong family roles, and cultural expectations around marriage, education, and work. Younger generations, shaped by New Zealand schools and social norms, may place more value on independence and personal choice.

As these differences grow, elders can become isolated, especially if they are less confident in English or unfamiliar with New Zealand systems. This isolation can happen even within extended families and can weaken traditional support networks that once provided care and connection across generations.

Social and Economic Barriers

Trying to fit in does not always lead to equal treatment. Even when Indian professionals follow workplace norms, they can still face bias, limited career progression, or exclusion. Because assimilation encourages silence, people may feel unsafe speaking up about discrimination, fearing they will be seen as causing trouble.

There is also pressure to live up to the idea of the “model minority”, the belief that Indian communities are always successful, hardworking, and self‑sufficient. This can stop individuals and families from asking for help when they face financial stress, workplace harm, or mental health struggles.

Why It Matters

The difference between assimilation and integration matters for the kind of society New Zealand wants to be. When assimilation is the expectation, cultural difference is treated as something to hide or grow out of. This puts the burden of belonging entirely on minority communities.

These pressures affect well-being, trust, and participation in society. When people feel their identity is not valued, they are less likely to feel connected to schools, workplaces, and public institutions. Over time, this weakens social cohesion rather than strengthening it.

A truly inclusive New Zealand requires moving beyond the idea that there is only one way to be Kiwi. Integration means making space for people to belong as they are. That choice will shape the country’s future, and whether diversity is seen as a problem to manage or a strength to embrace.

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Assimilation silences language, weakens family bonds, and turns deeply rooted Indian cultural and religious practices into surface‑level symbols, replacing lived tradition with quiet cultural loss. In Aotearoa, this loss is felt across generations. It shapes how people see themselves, their families, and whether they believe they truly belong.